Given how conservative Asian cultures get, this is an odd topic to raise because what we don't understand we simply do not try. Perhaps this explains why most Asians value sexual abstinence. However, I believe Malaysians stand somewhere in between this. We are a modern society influenced by the West while still deeply rooted to our Asian values. That's why I say we are obsessed with either "losing" or "saving" our virginity, but this concept is damaging. Why do we treat virginity as a prize with rules to follow in order to win and claim a position in society?
Source: Shuttershock
Self-Worth Depends On The Ability To Successfully "Lose" or "Save"
Women have always been subjected to 'saving oneself'. They are taught to see their sexual purity as an identity, making it a mission to protect it at all costs. Mormons use 'worthiness' whereas Muslims use 'honour' instead of the word 'purity', which gives women the impression that the longer they remain pure, the more worthy they are. It is basically saying that a "pure" woman is like the brand new shiny car everyone wants whereas an "impure" one is the used car passed down so many times that it has lost all market value. Meanwhile, men are constantly expected to lose it (whether as early or as fast as possible) because doing so would be a validation and demonstration of how manly they are.
Regardless of gender, it is intoxicating to turn a small part of life into a status competition. This again becomes another battle between the haves and the have-nots.
Ignores Consent and Comfort
When you set norms or make it game, there isn't room to consider larger issues like consent and comfort. It does seem like FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is involved in this equation because "Oh, since everyone's doing it, I should do it too." The constant pressure to either 'saving' and 'losing' makes it difficult for someone to make their own decisions about sex. It works both ways — you're guilty because you lose your virginity, or you're guilty because you hadn't lost your virginity. As a result, people often feel overwhelmed and pressured when deciding if they are ready to have sex, and guilty after the fact because they ignored their own comfort and consent.
"Virginity places pressure on people with penises to lose it, and people with vulvas to keep it, without any consideration as to whether or not each feels ready to do either."
False Generalisation
Source: Mike Pence from The Stranger
Another problem with this is that we over complicate the state of being called sex. By hyping up the loss or saving of one's virginity, you create this belief that there is only one right time to have sex because it is some huge milestone in your life. This leads to all sorts of unrealistic generalisation on how the first time should happen. You might have been told that saving your virginity until after marriage, or doing it as soon as you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, will make your first time special and intimate. In reality, that might not be the case. The idea that we need to save or lose builds up all this unnecessary anxiety, where people attempt perfecting sex.
It's Time To Rethink
Narratives such as, "That person's saving her virginity." and "He's lost his virginity." should be obsolete by now because of the negative connotations these words carry. Where it can be harmful is when people value, or devalue virginity. The mere difference between someone who has had sex before or hasn't is only the experience. So, why isn't it just "That person hasn't had sex." or "He already had sex."? And that's the question I'm asking: why can't we approach sex as plainly as possible?
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